The Hunger of Desire
by Ayane Dane
Summary: Mello's caught up in his misery, and no matter how hard Matt tries, he can't seem to pull him out of it. That's not to say he's giving up. But what will it take to get Mello to understand that when he hurts himself, it's Matt that really bleeds?
1. Introduction

**A/N:** Hello, there, fellow MattMello fans. I am, as you probably can tell by my display name, Ayane. Late during the night, I got inspiration (such a nag) and then couldn't sleep. So, I wrote it all down (in green pen, no less) and decided to post it on FanFiction, which is stupid, considering I have about three other fics that need updating. Ah, well. On to the scary bold warnings!

**You have been warned: **

1- Yaoi, MattMello.

2- Profanity. Lost of it.

3- This will be very suggestive.

4- Implied lemons, but not much detail on them to protect my innocent mind (-scoff-)

5- Maybe some OOC?

6- Probably going to be a little dark. Anorexia/Bulimia, cutting, and man-tears. Fear the man-tears.

7- I won't be mentioning Kira. It's almost like he doesn't exist.

**Summary: **Mello's caught up in his misery, and no matter how hard Matt tries, he can't seem to pull him out of it. What will it take to get Mello to understand that when he hurts himself, it's Matt that really bleeds?

Two year. Matt had been separated from the leather-clad love of his life for two whole freakin' years.

And y'know what? Those had to have been the worst two years of Matt's life. The younger boy missed his explosive partner in crime...So he'd decided to follow in his footsteps, and left Wammy's house at sixteen to find him for himself. And he did find him

But the poor, naïve redhead had no idea that Mello had been infinitely worse off alone than the younger boy ever had. All the gamer could do was pick up the pieces of what had once been his best friend, and slowly, carefully try to put them back together. But it was like cutting the wires in a time bomb; you only have a certain amount of time before it all goes to hell, but you can't do it wrong, either. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You'd have to be a genius to put up with the blonde.

Luckily, that's just what Matt was. He could only hope it would be enough to reconstruct the tattered mess his friend had become.

The violent tattered mess his friend hat become.

It wasn't easy, oh no. Quite the contrary, in fact; it was quite possibly the hardest thing Matt had ever had to do. Mello was angry, violent, cynical, hurt, broken, and a thousand other adjectives, each more depressing than the last. He wasn't moody, though. His main mood was angry, occasionally switching shifts with depression. These two emotions mad the older boy increasingly dangerous to be around. He was like a volcano, and Matt was the sacrifice to prevent eruption.

Mello hated sharing his feelings with Matt, even though the younger insisted he tried. It did make Mello feel better, even if only a little, to know that someone was listening. He was, nonetheless, frustrated by the fact that he was becoming codependent on someone who he didn't- or thought he didn't- need. Matt often wondered if he even bothered to recognize the things he felt most of the time, or if he truly hated talking about it. Mello said he found other ways to deal, refusing to say more. Not that he needed to, though. The glimpse Matt had seen of the slashes on the thin boy's arm were enough to tip him off. He almost wished he didn't know.

"_It's like waves," Mello had said as a child. "A huge tsunami of liquid emotion I don't want to feel, crashing down on me, drowning me, pulling me deeper and deeper..."_

Now Matt was being dragged down with them.

**A/N: **Short, I know. I just wanted to do a quick introduction. Reviews are encouraged, critique appreciated. Please tell me how you felt about it, and if I should continue or not!

Thanks for reading,

Ayane


	2. Shut Up

**A/N: **The introduction, obviously, was an explanation of what had happened. Now we shall return to the present situation. Not much to say here, except for that I am so happy to have the reviewers that I do, and that I write as my kitty sits in my lap :D

**To Riku-Aura777: **Trust me, Mello is not the only one issues here. Even if it takes a while to surface, Matt has his share of problems. Matt is a personal favorite of mine, too, only second to the blonde ball of fury they call Mello -lessthanthree-

**Crazy Manga Chick: **Thank you so much :D You inspired me somewhat. Hah, for some reason that sounds offensive. And yes; you probably will cry at some point.

**Disclaimer:** There once was a girl, named Ayane Dane. She owned a cat, a computer, and a wild imagination, but not Death Note. The end.

* * *

Matt sat on the couch, the apartment silent except for the soft music playing from his PSP. He was trying his hardest to let the game wrap it's magic around him, like it usually did, but escape often alludes you when you seek it out. _Hm,_ he thought. _That's pretty screwed up._

Mello had been gone a week. He had announced his departure, while avoiding saying good-bye. It was like he was doing it on purpose, trying to wound his friend, even in the smallest of ways. Matt shook it off; Mello would be Mello. His eyes flicked up to the door, willing it to open for what had to have been the fourth time in the last five minutes. He sighed.

"Damnit, Mel...," he said to himself. "I'm going to forget how to speak English before you get back." It had become a common thing, speaking to himself. He wasn't schizophrenic or anything; he didn't answer himself. He just missed hearing a human voice. He could have turned on the television, but he had a feeling that would only increase his loneliness.

Finally, the door creaked, the lock clunked, and reluctantly the two were pushed inward, to reveal the boy that had held Matt's attention since the day the two had met. Matt felt his spirits lift.

However, the blonde's grim expression clearly displayed that he did not share his comrade's elatedness. He stalked off into the kitchen, though Matt doubted it was to fill his stomach. And, if it was, it surely wouldn't be full for long.

But it wasn't. The boy quickly emerged with a beer bottle, flopping on the couch without uttering a word to the patient redhead.

"So?" Matt said, after a long silence. Mello shot him an annoyed look.

"So what?" The older boy's words were sharp as daggers, a sign to back off. Not that Matt had even followed the warnings Mello gave; the tone was usually pseudo-anger anyway, just a facade to deflect the cruelty of the world.

"Did your...Well, did whatever you were doing go over well?" It was difficult to make conversation when you didn't actually know what the topic was.

Mello shrugs. "I guess it depends on how you look at it."

"Care to elaborate?"

"No." Of course not; anyone saw that one coming.

"Alright, then," Matt said, averse to ending conversation. After all, he'd been unable to talk to anyone for a week. The way he saw it, he was at least entitled to a talk, however brief. "Are you hungry?"

The younger boy wasn't much of a chef, but he could make some mean macaroni.

"No." Matt had pretty much seen that coming as well. Mello hardly ever ate anything beyond chocolate.

"Tired?"

"What the fuck, Matt? Why is it, as soon as I get home, you think it would be a good idea to interrogate me? Sweet Jesus, can't you ever just shut up?" Mello scowled, and Matt returned the favor.

"Excuse me for making conversation."

"However you want to put it, it's annoying the hell out of me, so knock it off."

A short silence.

"So, it went badly, then?" That only intensified the blonde's frustration.

"Shut up, Matt!" he snarls, stomping off to the bedroom.

_Yeah, _Matt thought. _I know I am._

* * *

**A/N:**Sorry for the shortness. I just wanted to update from the introduction as quickly as possible, so I typed this up. I want to convey how closed in and alone Matt feels, but I'll do better in the next chapter. Promise! The darkness has yet to come, so prepare yourself.

And also, the next update might have to wait until after the Death Note movie is released on Tuesday. Because I'm that cruel.

By the way, I posted this chapter once before deleting it to edit. I always forget to do that -siigh-

Be patient,

Ayane


	3. Condemned

**A/N: **Hello again. Sorry for the delay -lessthanthree- I really wanted to write it sooner, but I was so preoccupied! I had to make an imaginary business for one of my classes, and on the same night cosplay to the Death Note movie. As Mello, of course. Then I had to apply to summer programs and such. Anyhow, in the end I decided to bring the legal pad I do my rough drafts on to school and write it there.

This chapter has a lot more Mello. A lot of him, sitting in his room, being sulky, and all that jazz. Then, after that, I'll bring Matt in for some torture.

You'll see :D

Oh, and for those who didn't understand the end of the last chapter, it was referring to how Matt is "shut up" inside.

**Disclaimer: **Ohba and Obata worked hard at creating Death Note together. Considering that I am neither Ohba, nor Obata, it is safe to say that Death Note is not mine.

* * *

Mello was laying on his bed, seething quietly. A new activity for him; usually he was loud, and broke things. But, then again, he hadn't really been himself lately.

Or had he?

Had he become a malicious boy who hated everything? Himself? L? Nia?

...Even Matt?

Mello slammed his eyes shut tight, and ground his teeth. _NO._

He could loath mat from time to time. He could be upset with him for being a smart ass. He could be frustrated with him for not trying. He could be angry with Matt for not understanding his pain. And he was all of those things.

But never, ever, in a million...No, a billion years, could he ever, EVER let himself hate his redheaded companion.

_Is this all I add up to? _He wonders, as he pulls a blade out of his drawer. _Is this what I have become? An uncivilized murderer who knows of nothing besides hatred?_

_Yes,_ he finally decided, as he pushed the blade deep into his forearm. _This is what I let myself turn into. What the world has forced me to be. This is God's punishment for betraying his all-powerful love, for everything he has selfishly given to me. _

_Forgiveness is not an option, _he concludes, as he pushes the blade into another patch of his satanic body. _I am doomed, now and forever. A hopeless lost soul, condemned for loving the forbidden. _

* * *

Matt sat in the living room, smoking. He stared dully at the ceiling, the temporary high briefly numbing his emotions. Even though it's only for a moment, it helps him cope nevertheless.

He knew Mello was a cutter. He didn't know how long it had been happening. He didn't care all that much, to say the truth. All Matt wanted was the answer to the unaccountable question; why?

Why had Mello become so distant? Why had they both changed so much? Why couldn't they go back to the better times, when Mello's arms were smooth and he wasn't malnourished? When they were happy? Why Matt? Why Mello? Why had Matt's parents died in a fire that day? Why had they both conveniently been sent to Wammy's House? Why had his life fallen into place like this, carefully throwing him into his own personally circle of hell?

He took another drag, letting all the "whys" float away with his exhalation of smoke. Then he stood, dropping the cigarette and smashing it with the heel of his shoe.

* * *

Matt had taken a nap, God only knows for how long. He woke with a start, and it took him a while to realize where he was. Oh, yeah. The couch. He rose, slowly, and wandered into the kitchen. Mello was there, staring at the table detachedly.

Matt walked to the fridge, grabbing the handle. He heard a dark snicker escape the older boy's mouth.

_Is he...Laughing at me? _

Matt turned to face the lanky blond (A/N: I was recently informed that "blond" is for males, and "blonde" is for females. Please excuse the mistake, won't happen again), an eyebrow arched. Mello only gave him an amused sneer.

"Yes, Mello?"

"Nothing, nothing." The way Mello was chuckling didn't make it sound like nothing.

"What the fuck is so hilarious about the refrigerator?" Matt snapped.

"It's not the fridge, stupid ass," Mello snarls in response.

"What is it, then?" Matt asked through grit teeth.

"You're going to get fat, Matt," Mello says calmly, grinning and being sure to enunciate the rhyme between fat and Matt. It was Matt's turn to laugh, now.

"What the hell are you talking about, Mel?"

"Oh, come on, Matt, don't be so naïve. You're younger than me, shorter than me, and yet you weigh more than I do. Why do you think that is?" The blond was amused. Matt was surprised, not that he let it show. Instead, he stayed silent, and wondered how Mello knew his weight. Then again, the difference was obvious; Mello was weightless, and Matt was..more than that.

"Muscle weights more than fat," Matt finally came back with weakly. The blond just left the kitchen, shaking his head and snickering.

Matt let his grip loosen, until his arm flopped down to his side from the handle of the fridge. Suddenly, he wasn't hungry anymore.

* * *

**A/N: **I hope that was enough for you for a bit :D I wrote this all Homeroom, Math, and during Lunch XD Oh, the epic randomness.

Next chapter will be up after reviews come in. Early next week. Keep in mind that exams are approaching quickly, people!

Again, reviews are encouraged, critique welcomed. Suggestions are also accepted and considered! I want to know what you all liked and didn't and such. I really should stop babbling now and get some sleep.

-Ayane


	4. Withered

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* * *

**

A/N:

I really should be writing my essay for science right now, or studying for math. Something more productive. I am feeling so lazy and tired, all I really want is sleep or to play Sims. Ugh. But, I digress, I told you all early this week, and since it's technically still early I decided for it to be now. I don't like lying.

By the way, you should all be proud of me. I haven't slept in pretty much all week because I have been working on the plot for this story, and I have it all written out. All I need to do is fill out the details, now. I think you'll all be pleased. (I hope)

This chapter won't be very long, and it's all Mello being depressing. He's remorseful, part of him. The other part is in **bold**, and is that part of you that tells you what you don't want to know about yourself. Conscience? Common sense? I don't know. But he's not schizophrenic.

Also, while writing the plot line I decided that Nia will have a larger role than previously assumed, and L is coming into the plot as well.

**Thanks for reviewing: **SekushiAi, Riku-Aura777, Crazy Manga Girl, Living in a fantasy, ClOuDs-N-rAiNbOwS, XFamousXLastXWordsX, tall1, and CamiUchiha.

**Riku-Aura777: **Matt is developing one, and Mello has had one for quite some time. Sorry for the confusion.

**Living in a fantasy: **Thank you so much for helping me with this! I really appreciate people who aren't afraid to speak up. I'm glad to have someone guiding me to improvement. I hope you stay interested!

**Crazy Manga Girl: **Hardly.:D Everyone in this story will have there share of crap.

**ClOuDs-N-rAiNbOwS: **Is this soon enough? :D And no thanks. I'm on a strict diet; no cookies, virtual or otherwise.

**XFamousXLastXWordsX: **I prefer blonde. It looks more sophisticated to me, but I'm a bit obsessive over grammar and such, so it would bother me to know and not correct myself. Maybe a tad of OCD?

**Tall1: **No way, girl XD I don't care if you see me every day, you get no privileges! None!

**CamiUchiha: **I love you too. And yes, he is crazy :D Isn't it great?

* * *

Mello was on his bed, staring at the cracked and grimy ceiling. The blond's wispy eyebrows steeled into a glare. Why did they even buy this crummy apartment?

Freedom. That's what had been the motif behind it. Freedom from authority had gotten them a cheap apartment with cheap rent and décor to match. Perfect.

The skin around Mello's eyes crinkled, as he smiled suddenly. _Why the hell am I getting angry about an apartment I'm hardly ever in?_

And it was true; Mello spent much time traveling around, committing the foul deeds that get you places in the mafia. The fair-haired boy rolled onto his stomach, and let his eyelids slowly shut.

_Mm, _he thought. _The sheets smell like smoke. Like...Matt. _He grimaces. Oh, yeah. Matt.

_I shouldn't have done that. Shouldn't have said that. What the hell's wrong with me? _He frowns at the thought of Matt being uncomfortable with his beautiful self. Himself? He could care less of himself. He would gladly bear all the pains of life, death, and hell if it meant Matt would never feel so much as an ounce of worry.

But love doesn't work like that. Life doesn't work like that. You worry. You feel pain, endless, surprising pain in love, work, passion. Anything that brings joy has to have suffering as a side affect. Mello knew that, from personal experience and watching people around him break down, crumble to pieces. He didn't want that to happen to his red-headed subject of affection.

So why had he done that?

**It felt good, **whispered an unrecognizable voice from deep in his mind, a monster radiating harsh reality. **His pain fed your pride. You loved it. Every last second of it. **Mello flinched, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

_No! _He thought back furiously. _I love Matty. Through all my anger, all my pain, my hatred and struggling, he is my only lifeline. _

**Naïve boy, **Mello's darkness replied. **All you ever want in this world is to benefit yourself. That's why you keep him around. **

Mello's eyes shot open, fearful and filled with self-doubt. He sat up quickly, got dizzy. When his eyes were again able to focus, he stared into the mirror across from his bed. He unzipped his vest slowly, and stared at himself in pure disgust.

He watched his reflection mimic his actions, as he traced his ribs. The impression they made against his pale skin . Grotesque. He touched his collar bone. Repulsive. He ran his fingers slowly up his neck, before running back down and stretching out the skin on his arms. Fulsome.

_No. I don't want him to feel like I do. To think he's like I am. _His thoughts were cooler now, cold rain after a four-mile run. He was ready to think seriously about this, now.

_Am I hurting him by making him stay with me? _He asks his reflection, mentally. _Am I making him stay? Or does he feel obligated to? Does he really want to stay here? Want to be with me? Am I keeping him here, just to be happy, just to have someone to smile at me when I __come home?_

_...Am I just being selfish?_

Mello stared down at his feet, hoping that if he looked away from his own eyes that he could avoid the conclusion to which he had come. Maybe it would take a page out of his book, and just wither away.

* * *

**A/N: **Short, I know. Sorry. It might be a little while before the next one, but maybe if I have time over the weekend I can get it done. Reviews encouraged, critique appreciated and welcomed. I want to know what you guys think, really!

-Ayane


	5. Truth and Lies

**A/N:** I know you all probably are conspiring to kill me for taking so long to update -tear- But the finals were so time-consuming! I promise, that's the longest wait for a while!

Plus, for a long time all that came to me was about Nia. Thus, this chapter is dedicated to him. I hope you enjoy, and I already have the next chapter typed and ready, so as soon as reviews come in I'll update! Looking forward to speeding things up! The plot twist is coming! The plot twist is coming!!

**Thanks for Reviewing:** Crazy Manga Girl, Living in a fantasy, Never.To.Late, NearTheEnd, thegreathopelesswonder, XFamousXLastXWordsX, NothingFromNowhereImNoOneAtAll, Riku-Aura777, and Kitty Terula!

**Crazy Manga Girl:** Yes, you do owe me a story, but you'd better finish your dare pedo-pairing first. If I have to suffer from a WatariMisa, you can deal with ChoujaHanabi.

**Living in a fantasy:** I think you'll enjoy the next few chapters C: I anxiously await to see your reaction to the ending...Not that it's close, or anything.

**Never.To.Late:** Thank you a lot :D You make me feel a lot better about this. And I've always viewed love as more of a pain than a joy, however depressing that sounds...

**NearTheEnd:** Thank you so much! It's all the reviews that motivate me, so I really appreciate things like this :D

**thegreathopelesswonder:** Well, maybe not kill you... Probably just maim you, or something... :D

**XfamousXLastXWords:** Thanks a bunch for sticking with me C:

**Riku-Aura777:** Mello's only human, and I think a lot of people don't realize that everyone feels remorse and sorrow. I really wanted to portray that in him, all the regret he feels and will feel in chapters further. I'm on the brink of tears thinking about it...

**Kitty Terula:** I'll be sure to do so! :D Thanks!

* * *

Nia stared out into the chilled whiteness outside thoughtfully. Winter always reminded him of Wammy's House. Not even his experience at the orphanage; no, it wasn't his prior memories that triggered the comparison. It was the children, the...well, the sort of fall out that had happened when L had announced the placements. People had dropped out, left, stopped trying completely because they thought they could never surpass Nia. Even Mello had thought there was nothing left for him and gone onto what he thought was better.

In the end, Wammy's was exactly like the snowfall. Each person was an individual, slowly tracking down their life. But then, when they hit the floor, they lost their will to fight. They just morphed into one homogeneous blob with society, conforming despite their dominant qualities. They just...let go.

Nia frowned. That's the kind of thing that left him alone. Competition had driven the only two boys he spoke to away, driven him into a dark room for (most likely) the rest of his (also likely) short life.

He looked away, frowning. _Maybe they'll come up again. Maybe we'll meet._ He sighed, shaking his head and standing on unsteady legs. What a joke. He dragged his feet into the TV room, placing himself in front of a stack of tarot cards and beginning to build.

"_You can lie to yourself all you want, but you can't change the truth."_

* * *

**A/N:** I know, it's awful and short. But it's not laziness, I swear. I have the next chapter written up and ready, I just think you all need a break before I hit you with the next issue at hand. I'll give you that as soon as I finish some of my first assignment for the summer.

Again, reviews encouraged and critique welcomed :D

Thanks to Victoria for the awesome ending quote.

-Ayane


	6. Worth It

**A/N: **So sorry for the last chapter. I really need to get Nia in here because things are about to go downhill fast. Also, Mello's current state was too much of a plunge to jump into after Withered, so I needed something. You're lucky I thought to bring Nia in, otherwise it probably would have been a flashback.

My next chapter will be uo when I finish my assignment, because between that and my cosplay (which can be found by looking up KeehlingJeevas on Youtube) I really don't have a huge amount of time. Editing is a pain.

This chapter isn't very long, but it should satisfy you. I added some for both Mello and Matt, to make everyone happy. Enjoy.

* * *

Smoke drifted slowly up towards the overcast winter sky. Matt was hungry, but he tried to be apathetic about it. He wondered in some vague part of his mind that wasn't concentrating on ignoring his own needs how Mello had it so easy.

The thought made him laugh at his own, pathetic self. Mello have it easy? Never.

Mello had to work to keep his place. Every breath he took endangered himself. And here Matt was, having a pity party for himself for being just a little hungry. What an ass he was.

This was the least he could do for the older boy. If he couldn't pay bills, or aim a gun, then he could as least make him happy at home. And if he had to shed ten pounds to do so, so be it. If he had to change himself, he would.

Because Mello was worth it.

Sure, he was a hothead, but he was also a best friend. A lover, and a confidante. He couldn't live without him, not for a lifetime. He couldn't even go five minutes without thinking about him.

Mello yelled a lot, but he didn't mind. Half the things said in anger meant nothing, just hot steam. Sometimes the blond just needed something to yell about. But this time, Matt felt it was different. He felt it was a heartfelt remark, and he planned to be sure change took place. Who else could?

* * *

Mello's eyes drifted open, awakened by the smoke that had crept into the window and startled his senses. He had sunk into a light sleep, upside-down in front of the mirror. What he saw in it now sent him into shock.

In his reflection, Mello saw Matt behind him. With a knife. Mello screamed loudly, a horrified shout, and flipped hurriedly, covering his own face. He dared to crack open an eye to get what could be a last glimpse of the younger boy, but there was another surprise in front of him, now.

Matt wasn't there.

* * *

**A/N: **I reaaally wanted to update directly after the last chapter, but I decided to torture you all. Or maybe it was just to give everyone an ample chance to read it? Whatever. I liked this chapter.

And, in case anyone was confused, Mello was hallucinating. Not dreaming or anything.

Reviews encouraged, and critique welcomed!

-Ayane


	7. Unity

**A/N: **I just saw The Happening. Gross, but interesting. Go see it. Now.

Be prepared for Mello craziness. Wow, that was stupid; how can you ever be prepared for Mello?

Also, something resembling a lemon in this chapter. Calm down, I don't describe anything past kissing, you just know by the aftermath of the deed.

**Disclaimer: **Roses are red, violets are blue, I know Death Note's not mine, and you should, too!

Something's wrong with me :K

* * *

"Aaagh--!" A loud scream broke into the brief sense of security the cigarette had given him. His eyes widened when he heard a loud thud, something hitting the floor- hard, by the sound of it.

"The fuck-?!" he groaned, quickly jumping to his feet and opening the sliding glass door that connected the small (and probably dangerous) balcony to the apartment. His nose crinkled a bit out of habit- he'd never get used to the damn smell in there- and he shuddered at the eerie silence that chilled the room after the random scream.

"Mel?" Matt called, partly worried and partly just wanting the silence to end already. He poked his head into the bedroom to see Mello in fetal position, thermo-regulating on the carpet. Either he was scared, or the A/C had broken again. Matt shook his head at himself. Obviously the former was the reason; he'd screamed, and on top of that, it was winter.

"Mello," Matt said- well, almost sang- softly. "What's wrong?" The younger boy crouched next to his blond companion. The older's eyes drifted upward, and a creepy grin crawled across his face.

"What was that?" Amused, again. What the hell was going on.

"What's wrong, Mello?" Matt furrowed his brow a bit, confused. The smile deepened, becoming almost macabre.

"What's wrong?" A sick, twisted chuckle escaped his throat. "What's wrong, Matty?" He stood, cerulean eyes darkening.

"I'll tell you what's wrong!" Matt winced. _Great. Now he's yelling again._

"We live in a shit hole! A shit hole that smells like smoke, eggs, and cheese even though we don't eat the last two things! I work my ass off for you and you're always turning to tobacco sticks for happiness and...," his voice trailed off. He turned his head so that his bangs covered his eyes as hot, angry tears poured from his eyes. Matt frowned. _What? Is he going to tell me he's pregnant, next?_

"Mel, we've lived like this for years and it never bothered you...," Matt said with a sigh. "What's upsetting you...?" He slowly moved to wrap his arms around his frail comrade, but Mello quickly jerked away, glaring.

"Don't fucking patronize me! I know that you don't even want to be here, so just leave! I don't want you here throwing me a pity-party!" the blond snarled. Matt was surprised, but he still felt slightly relieved. _So, that's what this is about? _Matt smiled sweetly at the older boy, hugging him.

"Mello, you should know by now that I love you too much to let so much as my eyes stray." Matt mentally approved his words. Sappy and disgusting, but that would probably distract him from his insecurities for now. Mello crinkled his nose, right on cue.

"Matt, that was grossly unnecessary. And besides the goddamn point," Mello grumbled. "I'm giving you your chance now. Go, if you want to go."

"I don't want to go, Mello. I want to be here. With you. Duh." _Oh, bad move with that last addition,_ Matt thought. _Maybe he'll accept it with good humor? _Matt was in luck; Mello scowled a little, but decided to withhold comment.

After a moment, the tension in the older boy loosened, just like Matt knew it would. He smiled to himself. This was his favorite part. He kisses Mello softly on the cheek, working his way down to his jawline. His impatient lover took Matt's chin, forcing their unique set of eyes to meet. Mello's were light and playful, and Matt's were tinted orange. The blond kissed the redhead firmly on the lips.

Finally, they were on the same page again.

But their unity was too brief, for the both of them. The second his partner's eyes flipped shut and he was lugged off on the sleep train, Mello's insecurities returned. He frowned, closing his eyes and wishing he had it easy, like Matt. Matt didn't worry about stupid things all the time, like he did. Matt was just so...Mellow. The silence, to him, felt pregnant. He couldn't tell Matt what he saw. He'd be marked off as a loon. Hell, he'd marked himself off as a loon. No, Matt couldn't know. He'd probably tell L in a flash.

Little did Mello know that his "mellow" companion and him had more in common than he assumed. Matt was far from sleep, closing his eyes only in hope of escaping his disgust from the sight of his own bare form. How could he ever feel normal when laying next to such a God? One he couldn't even please? He didn't want to be another worry on Mello's checklist. And he was pretty damn sure he'd only gotten a glimpse in the door of what Mello was going through.

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**A/N: **Longer than I thought it would be! I hope you enjoyed. More on Nia and L next chapter, probably.

Reviews encouraged (they're half of what inspires me!) and critique welcomed!


	8. Shattered

**A/N:** Oh, how long has it been? Sorry. So much has happened. I am happy to say I finally got Microsoft Word 2007 :D No more struggle with OpenOffice for me. Though, I might be going back to it when I switch to Ubuntu. Who knows?

I decided not to bring L in until the next chapter, where it's absolutely necessary.

* * *

Nia was just sitting around stacking his dice like a good boy. The good boy his mum and dad had always asked him to be in all his memories. He heard it then, the loud roaring thunder from the sky. It confused him for the briefest of moments- Mello would have laughed to see the confusion flicker across his face, not unlike the lighting outdoors. It's the middle of winter. How can there be thunder? But then he remembered the answer like he always did. Like he had always practiced to, ever since the day he hadn't know the answer to his father's question and he had thus become an orphan.

It was just a snow storm. Halle had told him that they had lightening, just like regular storms. He had decided to withhold the fact that he knew that already. Halle was nice, and he tried to avoid doing things people generally found offensive. He didn't get most of it. He was, as Mello had once put it, "socially challenged". He just tried not to mess up. People didn't like him. They confused him, and he confused them. The only difference was that he longed their presence and they didn't return the enthusiasm.

So here he was, stored away conveniently where no one had to deal with him. It had made him angry once, when he had the will to even possess such a tiring emotion. Why should he help them if they acted as such? Why should he catch criminals and save lives when all they did for him was push him away and insult him?

But he was bigger than that now. He knew it was for the greater good, the good greater then himself. He didn't want to be around them much anymore, anyways. The only thing he missed or wanted was the old days at Wammy's, where Mello and Matt would hang out with him from time to time. They weren't – excuse me, Mello wasn't always nice, but it was company of his age and intelligence range. They would talk to him and work with him. Matt would let him watch his video games, and Mello would stack cards reluctantly.

But they were bigger than that now. They were bigger than Wammy's and bigger than sitting around on lazy Sunday mornings and much, much bigger than him. Sometimes he felt like the smallest person in the world.

* * *

Halle crouched next to Nia. She stared at him, at his pained apathy, and pitied him. He never glanced up at her, never even peeked up, so she didn't worry about him being angry. If he could even be angry.

"Nia?" she softly murmured after a moment. He was so small and fragile that it often felt to her that if she raised her voice too high he might just…shatter. The dainty boy raised his head, staring at her blankly. She smiled weakly at him, trying to be cheerful with the most morbid person she knew, excluding Mello. "You have a phone call."

"Can they leave a message?" he asked, voice dried up as if from too much- more like too little- use.

"I think you'll want to take this," she said with a little smile. _Maybe this'll cheer him up…_

"Why is that, Halle?" He sounded a little bemused, which was a good sign from Halle's view.

"It's Matt."

* * *

**A/N: **Drama? Yes. And it's going to hit mostly next chapter. Not too happy with how this turned out, but bear with me. Nia's hard for me to maintain.


	9. Poison

**A/N: **This is my procrastination. This is my way of getting out of finishing my sci-fi for my class –sighs deeply in shame- I hope you enjoy. First comes Matty, because I say so. Then Nia, and lastly L.

* * *

Matt shook violently in the silence. The questions in his mind pounded him with more intensity than before, but something inside him said that a smoke was far from what he needed right now. He struggles to hold the phone still and stares just at the wall. Not at Mello's limp form laying on the floor. Not at all the broken furniture or glass. Just at the wall. He was cold; when had it gotten do god-damned cold in this shit hole?! His stomach gurgled a complaint, but he knew now was certainly not the time.

"Pick up," he willed with a whisper, wondering what the fuck was taking so long. Come to think of it, though, he had never actually seen the kid walk, but whatever. Technicalities were the last thing on his mind. He just needed to save Mello. There was too much blood, too much. He could still hear the echoes of the fight, the yelling and screaming. The hatred was drifting about, eventually settling itself onto Matt's shoulders just like everything else in the goddamned world.

Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. His mouth went dry, and the cold was numbing him. _Just breathe,_ he told himself. _Just breathe a bit longer to tell Nia. To tell him what Mello did. To make sure someone can help him…help me…_No. No, the world was fading fast. He wasn't going to make it…he wasn't…

Everything went black. Matt had failed.

* * *

Nia twirled a hair around his finger, slowly making his way over to the phone where his old comrade's voice apparently waited. But when he made it, the line was dead, letting out a constant ominous whining noise. His face hardened. He felt it. Something was wrong. Usually he wouldn't trust such an instinct, but this was different. Why would Matt suddenly call? Certainly not to say hello. No, this was something serious.

"Halle, please track the number. We need to find him as soon as possible. Also, contact L for me. I need him to know what exactly is going on as soon as we know it."

* * *

L certainly wasn't expecting the call to happen so soon. It was so out of the blue, so random. But he almost knew what had happened. The two previous Wammy boys had been a toxic couple to begin with, slowly poisoning each other as each day passed. He had watched it, theorized silently about it, and proven it the day Matt left to follow his blond friend. He was prepared for this, more so than Nia ever could be, anyway.

"Are you there?" Nia's voice spoke through the receiver. Though it was too quiet to tell over the phone, it was easy enough to know the boy was shaken. This was not a job for him.

"Thank you, Nia. I'll have to ask you to leave this to me." L knew exactly what had to be done for there to be healing right now. They wouldn't like it at all, but they were in no place to make the decision. His word was law, and his law was separation.

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed. Background on the fight coming next chapter :D

Reviews encouraged, critique welcomed.

Ayane.


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